I'm gonna pour my depressing heart into this post, so please bear with it this once.

 

 

At this time of the year, where people are busy with the preparation of christmas and end year party, I don't have the spirit to celebrate this special ocassion with all my heart. I usually love this time of the year, where I can hang out with my family, saying merry christmas to my family and best friends at church after the Holy Mass (plus cipika-cipiki). It was a simple action, but still has a lot of meaning for me.

This year, it will be my first time celebrating christmas alone, without my family to go to church, and my friends to meet at the church. I really miss the Holy Mass in bahasa, I miss the beautiful songs we sang in the Holy Mass. I miss the christmas preparation at my home -not that I helped my auntie to decorate our small christmas tree-, but I'm always happy to see the small christmas tree on the corner of my living room every year.

I will miss the christmas dinner my family have every year, the pray we do before we eat the feast, the happy chattering while we're watching the TV -usually FOX give us Harry Potter, Lord of the Ring, or some christmas themed cartoons-.

I will miss my family long pray on the new year's eve. The happiness to watch the firework together from our rooftop, the happiness to call my friends and saying 'Happy New Year!' or just text them one by one all night long. I will miss my parents' kiss and wish for us their children on the new year's eve. I will miss how I joke along with my silly sisters on these happy days.

But beside all the celebration, I already miss them already. I miss our silly hang-out, our crazy karaoke time, our cinema time, and even our quality time. Maybe it just that time of the year when I have to fill up my melancholic time since this year my life has been full of happiness. There was time when I was sad or feeling anxiety, but I never feeling lonely.

These days, I just can not ignore it anymore. Even when I was with my friends, I just can't feel the excitement to join in whatever they talked about. Not that I don't care, no. I care, and I want to know what they're talking in Chinese (how frustating to hear them talked beside you but you can't understand a thing!), but I just don't have the energy to ask like I did before. I prefer to just walking alone and enjoy my surrounding. Lately, it's been worse. The fun time now become a burden. I need to spare more energy to be around other people. I got tired more easily.

Despite all that, I don't have place to confide my feeling, a shoulder to lean on. I was raised to be strong, and I'm doing fine all this time (I think). I'm not good with words, I never am. All this time, the presence of my best friends, or my sisters, or my cousin are enough for me to get back on my feet and feel better. But now they're not with me, and it's kinda stress me out.

Well, all I need is to go back home on this special ocassion and be with people I truly care and truly care about me.

'I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying.'

- Charles Chaplin

What I wore:

Gaudi top | Guess Jeans | YesWalker shoes | Gowigasa bag

Diva's necklace | @headtotoe bracelets

p.s. I posted this outfit post last year but somehow the post is error, so I posted it again now.

See you again soon!

xoxo

Anastasia

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