To Leave or To Stay?

Good morning everyone, it's a great day here in Tokyo, where I type my post.
A quiet sunny day with gentle wind from time to time, a perfect time to doze off and relax...but not my heart and brain.

In past years, I wanted to say the situation in my country is getting better, but scratch that; it's NOT. Around a decade ago, we christian got a lot of bombing threat specially around easter and christmas time. Several churches got bombed and we couldn't go celebrate and pray without the fear of bombing. The Holy Mass schedule changed from 9pm and 11pm to 7pm to avoid the dangerous situation. We even need to ask for police force to guard our churches while we're praying and celebrating Eucharist. It still happens until now for safety reason.

For several years, it's getting better, or so I thought. Two days ago, the world got the news about churches bombing and several attempt in different places in Indonesia. Some of my foreigner friends even messaged me and asking if I was OK or not.. I really appreciate them for caring, it actually warmed my heart to know that. :)

This incident came as a shock to me, as I found it unfair that we have to face the threat once more. It was clearly stated in the law that it's our right to be able to celebrate our religion ceremony and pray freely, but the reality is far from ideal. It even worse that the terrorist actually using Islam as their camouflage.

HEY! No religion teaches us to hate and to kill. No GOD told us that it's justified to kill others who didn't have the same faith as ourselves or commit suicide. No GOD gave human the right to decide who's going to heaven and who's not. No GOD allowed you to judge others who are different from you.

So open your eyes, heart, and brain people! Think! Reflect! Do your spiritual teacher teach you to think that other people with different faith, different race, different political view, different sexual orientation, different culture, different way of wearing clothes, different life aspiration are sinners that you're allowed to talk bad about, to judge, to hate, to discriminate, to kill? If SO, then maybe you need a better spiritual teachers.


I don't know if this incidents are just a make-belief chaos for the citizen to think that the current president and his team aren't credible enough, or it's a real terrorist doing. The timing are just too good to be wrong, when the presidential election will be held next year, and the political world already got all heated up with the intimidation and black-campaign to overthrow the current president.

Whatever it is, personally, this event successfully open my not-so-healed trauma. A country I'd love to call my home is not that homey. Or maybe, it's never been homey from the start, but with the help of internet and social media, the idiotic and judgemental side of my people are exposed more easily and it created the illusion that Indonesia is getting worse. Even with the current president and his chosen team who're working so hard to make Indonesia a better country, it's getting nowhere with my so uncalled trauma.

I know very well that my country is getting better in these 2-3 years, but for someone who's still trying to stand on her own feet, with most of the time struggling to stand than not, I'm in dilemma whether to go or to stay. I know I'm still that naive and don't understand most of the things that happen in the world, I know it might be harder to live outside, as it's uncomfortable and it's not home, but when I think so far ahead, it might be a better choice. My heart and soul are bound in Indonesia, where I'll always be proud to say that I'm Indonesian where ever I go (and not to forget my family is there in Indonesia), but my brain said otherwise. It keeps saying to go out to the jungle and try my luck to conquer it, to have a better life even if I have to start from zero.

I don't have enough experience in professional area or in life, but based on these 27 years of living, I prefer to live in somewhere decent and safe rather than in luxury but I have to live in fear of my safety. For the future I might have my own kids, and I certainly don't want them to live in an environment where they have to live in fear. Don't you agree?


If you're in my position, what would you do? Kindly share yours! :D


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Anastasia Goenawan

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